Buggy on Down
By David Wayne
to the grocery store is one of my favorite things to do, not my favorite
favorite, but close. My favorite thing of course, is taking the trash out at six
a.m., on a blistering cold Monday morning.
Grocery shopping to me, is an adventure. Like the Navy. Since its an adventure,
you have to be prepared. The first thing you have to decide is which store you
will be shopping. You can't just go to the closest one. Who is having the best
sale? Which store is having double coupon day? Does Wal-Mart have your favorite
toilet paper on sale, or Piggly Wiggly? Choose your store wisely, be prepared.
Running off to the grocery store unprepared would be like going to a family
reunion without a casserole.
Pick up a newspaper. Look through the sales ads. "Hey ketchup is on
sale!" "We don't need ketchup." "But it's on sale!"
"Okay, get two!"
Once you get to the store, you have to get out your list. What list? The
shopping list of course! The list you made before you left the house of the
things you need. Without a list, you'd be out of control, like a lady in a shoe
store. You'd get home with fourteen bags of potato chips, a loaf of bread, pack
of bologna, and two cases of beer. That's not acceptable! (unless you're a
single male, then by all means, carry on soldier!)
Okay, you're at the store, with your list, and you've already test-driven
twenty-three buggies. You've cut the best one from the herd, and you're ready to
ride, er, I mean shop. The perfect buggy (or cart, if you're a non-Southerner)
must not have any out of control, spinning wheels. All wheels must touch the
ground. At the same time. It's also helpful if the handlebar has one of those
coupon holders on it. Not for me and you personally, but for the little old lady
that makes us wait in line through two presidential terms, so she can dig out
her coupons in order to save sixty-four cents.
Driving, not pushing, the buggy is the most important and pleasurable part of
the whole shopping experience. (I wish they had them at malls) Why is the buggy
important? Well, it has wheels and a handlebar. And,....and, it has that little
bar down by your feet. Place one or two feet here for a truly enjoyable ride,
...er, shopping adventure.
You see, it can be so much fun simply because some of us, let's
face it, are getting older, and we probably don't own anything at home that
possesses a handlebar and wheels. If we do, we probably also have a spouse that
won't let us go near that "DEATH TRAP!" Unless of course that device
happens to be a lawnmower, then by all means, climb aboard, stay...... aboard.
Okay, you've got your buggy. Your sweating palms are gripping the handlebar,
knuckles turning white. Adrenaline is pumping through your body, and leaking out
your eyes. The hair on your neck is standing tall, and then suddenly, out of the
corner of your eye, you see a green flag waving, and you're off!!
Well, turns out, that wasn't a green flag waving, just some green peppers. So,
you start off slow. Some milk over here, jelly over there, a little pop-up
wheelie in the meat department, some cookies, and peanut butter. Next thing you
know, you're flying down the cookie and cereal aisle, both feet planted up on
the buggy, hair flying out behind you, eyes watering, Fruity Pebbles fly past on
the right, Fig Newtons race by on the left, you're really flying. Then you reach
the end of the aisle, you try to take the turn on two wheels, and OH NO! Who put
that huge display of cream corn right in the way?.... Hey, two for a dollar!
You'll see people in the store for an hour, but they'll only have two items in
the buggy. Why? The driving experience! Driving with no remorse, cutting people
off, swerving in the other lane, passing in a narrow aisle, and speeding. How do
they get away with this? No grocery buggy police! Wouldn't that be cool? A buggy
with red and blue lights in the grill. Instead of guns, the cops would carry
really powerful magnets, that could stop your buggy cold from ten feet away! The
cop writes you a ticket for speeding. No fine, you just have to stand, with your
two, "buy one and get one free", items, in the longest checkout line
in the store. No express lane for you!
One area of buggy driving that remains the same as street driving is when its a
couple. The guy is pushing the buggy, but he knows he has no buggy control.
She's telling him, "Go this way, come over here, stop right there, speed
up, slow down, STOP RIDING UP ON MY HEELS!!" He's driving with his head
hanging down, but if you watch him closely, you'll see him do a little pop-up
wheelie when she's not looking, and at the corner of his mouth, a smile.
Going to the grocery store doesn't have to be a chore. Make it fun, do like me,
buy your own personal buggy. With chrome wheels.------
Copyright 2005 David Wayne
* * * * *
David Wayne is an aspiring humor columnist and wannabe stand-up
comic. He resides in Southern Mississippi, where everything, to him, is funny.
* * * * *
Funny Columns from Southern Humorists