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First Annual Rooster Contest

Given a stupid question to work with, what can professional humorists come up with?



QUESTION: "For your birthday, your aunt gave you a maple syrup dispenser shaped like a rooster. Please write her a thank-you note." (from Blogger)

The Southern Humorists set out to find the answer. The question was presented to our humor writers' discussion group as a contest. The winner of the Rooster Pitcher Trophy and a Southern Humorist with something to crow about is a danged Yankee - MIKE BAY! Humbly accepting the honor, Mike said,

"I actually won something based on something I wrote? I will mark the calendar for this one ;-) And thanks. Far as I'm concerned, all kidding aside, the rooster pitcher is as much a trophy as a functionable utility."

Here is his winning entry - and just for the heck of it, we are including the runner ups as well.


Dear Aunt Beucowlick:

I am terribly sorry I didn't get back at.. to you sooner about the unique birthday gift. I was beyond touched and momentarily nonplused, receiving this urban reminder of my youth growing up in the breadbasket of the Iowan Plains. You'll no doubt imagine how much more so I was, when I discovered that not only was this fowlish dispenser designed for maple syrup, it had other battery-operated features built into the stand.

But the best surprise came when I (mis)read the instruction manual, and added in the C batteries that heat the mapley syrup to a confectionary consistency, without realizing the other special touch incorporated therein: it 'crowed' when one poured. At realistic decibels.

My sleepover girlfriend was not amused, when it 'crowed', I jumped, and dispensed warm maple syrup all over her. And me. And the kitchen. And the dining room, living room, etc (the ceiling fan was on; 'nuff said).

She is now suing me for 'irreparable damage' to her new (hair)doo, and the untoward, unfortunate impression that I had 'kinky ulterior breakfast motives'. All I wanted was my Eggo, but she's beyond reasoning now

I can't thank you and your 'gift' enough.

Anyway, I hope to repay your generosity with the enclosed modified Salad Shooter. Knowing your need for dietary fiber at your age, I fixed it up with that rooster dispenser in mind.

Enjoy, and I've already warned the neighbors.

[Mike Bay - 9343]

Dearest Auntie Endall,

I received your thoughtful gift in the mail on my birthday. I immediately put it to good use. However, I apologize for this late thank you note.

You see Auntie Endall, I've been in the hospital in a diabetic coma. I only recently recovered. The doctor told me a sudden sugar spike brought on the coma. You know how you use to always tell me that blood is thicker than water? Well, now my blood is thick as syrup too. It all happened right after I marveled at your tasteful gift giving. In fact, I told Buford that the pretty porcelain rooster was too fancy to set out next to the liberty bell napkin holder. I announced instead, we had to put it to good
use right away. This would make Grandma proud. I made a huge batch of flapjacks. I then filled the little rooster with the homemade syrup Grandma had made me shortly after my newly diagnosed diabetic condition. I guess thoughtfulness must run in the family.

Anyway, you know Buford, he dug right in to those flapjacks, but kept talking with his mouth full about my diabetic condition and how I shouldn't be eating the syrup. I did not listen, because I was in a barnyard trance. All I could do was marvel at how easily syrup just spilled in a straight glistening line from that little yellow glass beak. I just poured and poured and poured.

The next thing I remember is Mamma's gum smacking in my ear and her mumbled curses about the communistic no smoking signs all over the hospital.

It's all okay now because I'm home again. However, I have a bit of bad news. Buford said right before I went into that coma I had a devil spasm. While the devil had me and I was thrashing about, I broke the pretty little rooster.

I deeply apologize for not taking better care of such a thoughtful farm friendly gift. Please forgive me.
But, I promise to do just as good for you on your birthday.

Hugs from your niece,

Tempa Tasteful
PS do you have a cow shaped tea pitcher

[Tempa Worsham 9336]


Dearest Aunt Ida Mae,


I wanted to take a moment and write to thank you for the thoughtful gift.

he r It is quite colorful and a fine looking specimen for a rooster, I might add. It is an exceptional bonus that he also holds maple syrup. Yes, this fine fellow stands proudly in the center of the family table, ready to answer any call to dispense that wonderfully sweet maple substance upon a stack of pancakes, waffles or french toast.

Unfortunately, the stalwart guardian of syrup gets little use. It seems some appetites are squelched when the syrup is dispensed, as the decanter was designed, from the rooster's rectum.

We are considering moving Rusty (as he is called) to an honored place next to last year's gift, Billy, the Black Angus Bull, who dispenses licorice flavored jelly beans with the lift of his tail.


Happy Trails!


[Mark Berryman - 9337]


Dear Aunt Icie Mae,

You should see the cock in my breakfast nook! Er, well that didn't come out right.

What I mean to say is I never thought you would give me the bird.

No, no....that's not quite right.

Let me just say that your sweet gift is finger lickin' good and since your lovely decanter is worthy of display I don't have to hunt and peck all over the kitchen for syrup anymore.

We sure do appreciate you thinking of us.

Lydia Sue

[Marta Martin 9338]

[This is rather on the rough side, so if you're easily offended, hit delete now:]

Dear Auntie Em,

Thank you so much for the maple syrup dispenser! It's very unique. I don't think I've ever seen such a big and oddly shaped cock. Even though it's quite large, I'm sure I'll find a place to put it.

May I ask where you found it? There are a couple of problems with it, and I may need to exchange it. Something must be wrong it because I can't get it to stand up straight without it falling over again. And there must be something wrong with the opening, because it dispensing too quickly - which results in the syrup getting on everything.

When you found it, did you see any others just like it? Aside from those problems, I just love this thing. I'd highly recommend getting one for yourself. My neighbor keeps asking to borrow mine.

With affection,
Your niece

[Phil Jones 9340]

Dearest Auntie Magnolia,

What a thoughtful gift, how ever did you know that Charles gave me a hen-shaped honey pot for my last birthday? Now I have a matching set and could not be happier! They are real conservation-starters at mealtime and I find myself inventing new recipes to make and serve that involve the table-side additions of either honey or maple syrup. Thank you, thank you, thank you!

We are so looking forward to your visit next month. I am planning some delightful meals, centered around using my beautiful new rooster and hen.

Your neice, Ariadne

There, what is the prize?

[Pamela Klein 9341]

Yo Aint Maggie,

The ball&chain says I'm supposed to write you a thank you note for the chicken thing you sent over. She says it's a syrup pourer. I told her I pour syrup from the bottle, unless it's winter in which case I don't pour syrup at all - I dig it out with a knife.

While the person receiving a gift is supposed to "appreciate the thought" I have to wonder if you've come down with Alzhiemers now. Seriously if you want to get rid of those dust collectors all around your house which we were never allowed to touch as young'uns, we can have dinner at your place next Sunday and have a skeet shoot in the back yard. Except for the good stuff of course, like that giant world's fair cigar and that Elvis bourbon bottle - which we'll be glad to take home.

Yer ever-lovin' nephew

[Ben Baker 9342]

Dear Auntie,

Thanks. Your generosity is exceeded only by your charm and good taste.

When not in use, the exquisite rooster syrup dispenser is proudly displayed next to portraits of Bevo, our prized Longhorn bull, and my mother-in-law. They all bring back special memories of which I shall write.

Expect more cock and bull stories in the future.

Your loving nephew,


{John Brazell - 9351]

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