Ode to a Solicitor
Resident, Occupant, Most Honored Guest
We put your loyalty to our tenth test
Enter our contest, life won't be the same
Our answering machine is waiting, please hold the phone.
A thrilling adventure awaits the tone
Oh just let your imagination roam
As our gimmick once invades your home.
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A Rekindled Spark
a summer reunion at the town court
I made an observation of a most puzzling sort
As smoke rose to the sky from the ground below
My Mammy's interest in my Daddy suddenly began to grow
Although I'm growing more mature by each passing day
And know in my heart what I'm not yet ready to say
I'm just a young gal approaching adolescence
My mammy has this new radiant glow like fluorescence
I'm not sure whether I should be happy though I'm feeling more
My Mammy keeps flirting with my Daddy just cause he's growing
gray and bald
My Mammy treats my daddy like copper plated with gold
It seems strange as this is such a thrill
It's clearly evident to me that both are over the hill.
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A Redneck Jalopy
It's a clunker, what a junker
rusty, dusty, rattles when wind is gusty
old, full of mold, and cobwebs too
miles of usage from work and vacations
passed on since invention to four generations
owned and maintained by limited means
with an interior finished with rags and blue jeans
a vehicle whose description is beyond redemption
bended body work and dragging suspension
Made it through seasons of hurricanes, twisters, and trials
The odometer reads 600,000 miles
As it's hitched to a tow truck, tears stream from my eyes
It's painful enough that even the toughest man cries.
It's not the smoothest ride,
would help if tires had air inside
shock absorbers need replacing of course
get a smoother ride riding bareback on a horse
Take pride cause it's a most rare antique
decorated with colors and patches in a style so unique
raced by its owner with absolutely no inhibitions
It's not wonder it's in this very sad condition
It's a reason why legends are born
cattle disperse when hearing its horn
The subject of music and county folklore
with every tool from a rural hardware store
Every part shipped from another place
Torn frayed seats need to be replaced
Been through at least four or five transmissions
Mechanics now consider repairs, impossible missions
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More Redneck Qualifications
If your brand new pile plush carpet matches your soiled overalls
exactly, you must be a Redneck!
If you flunked your grammar test because you listed "Y'awl"
and "Hon" as personal proper pronouns, then you must be a
If your manuscripts use "Hon" and "Y'awl" more
than the entire sum of punctuation marks, then you must be a Redneck!
If you tried to smuggle a live rooster into an upscale motel rather
than ask the reservation clerk for a wake-up call, you must be a
If the produce from your relatives' gardens never make it to the
kitchen because you ate everything while doing yard chores, then
you must be a Redneck!
If you had a heart attack because your Yankee Transplanted friends
added brown sugar and maple syrup to flavor their gritts, then you
must be a Redneck!
If you feel proud because this season's list of Hurricane names
includes all your close relatives and friends, then you must be a
If your cake or pie doesn't rise, because you ate most of the batter
from the pan and blender, then you know can assume you are a Redneck.
* * * * *
Elisa Ritter writes humorous poems
and lists. She enjoys creating, developing, and presenting ideas and
hopes to some day have her talent discovered. Although she has not yet
been published, she finds writing humor and comedy is a hobby that is
a lot of fun. You can reach her under the nickname, Hurricane Chaser
at [email protected]
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