My wife spent 40 hours in labor with our first child. I say
this as an enlightened father since I was at the delivery of
both our children. Although I was merely an object which my
wife cursed and berated, like the Priest in "The
Exorcist". The excruciating pain of a creature trying to
escape her womb caused her to attempt to cast the evil onto me
with a profanity laden exorcism.
My wife endured horrors that would've made the Marquis de Sade
say "Damn man, cut her some slack". She was
breathing, grunting, sweating and pushing while the nurse was
buffing up her biceps using the bed rails and my wife's
abdomen to practice her curls. And the doctor was feverishly
probing her insides with Satan's salad tongs searching for a
baby or an end to this ordeal. Finally it looked like the
blessed moment was upon us. And not a minute too soon.
I was giddy with excitement, my breathing was short and quick
and my pulse was racing. I was waiting for the moment when I
could know for sure that our daughter was healthy and safe.
But it was not to be. What popped out of her womb could only
be described as a featureless, cone shaped lump of flesh with
2 blow holes on top like a beluga with dual exhausts.
I looked with horror at the doctor who was as cool as a poker
player. I looked at the nurse, pleading with her to make this
abomination unto God go away. I looked for a hammer to end
this hellish nightmare. I looked back at the nurse with an
expression of "I don't know what you see, but I am
looking at the freakish spawn of my wife's procreations with a
submarine". An inhuman torpedo baby.
The doctor was smiling, holding the creature and told us that
we have a beautiful baby girl. I thought I was trapped in an
episode of the Twilight Zone. I expected to hear Rod Serling's
voice explaining to the audience why our child was a flesh
torpedo. My first concern was how do we feed it? My second was
back to that hammer. Because whatever this is it must not be
allowed to live. What if it breeds?
I glanced at my wife with a look of "Dear God, what have
you done"? My fear filled the room and she could smell
it. She asked if everything was alright. I wanted to scream
"Hell no, evacuate the building, we can only hope to
escape with our lives".
But as the nurse handed our child to my wife I noticed that
the blow holes had transformed into a nose and she had ears.
Her eyes were now open and she obviously had a mouth since she
was screaming incessantly (I had thought that the screams were
my own). I had been unprepared for what 40 hours stuck in a
birth canal can do to a pliable infant. Her head was still
shaped like a cone but the sock cap covered that nicely.
In the end we had a perfectly healthy daughter. But I still
have nightmares. Late night visions of my wife as a submarine
patrolling the oceans depths to keep our country safe.
Shooting babies at Russian submarines.
* * * * *
Read more of RhabbKnotte's humor at www.funinfuneral.blogspot.com
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