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Dad’s Wild Turkey Surprise

By Rick Rantamaki



    1 box of chardonnay

    1 turkey (no larger than the oven)

    4 loafs of bread (preferably stale)

    1 box of crazy straws

    3 Grade A large eggs (anything lower and you’ll get sent straight to your room – without supper)

    8 stalks of celery

    6 maids-o-milking (strictly for the entertainment value)

    1 large yellow onion

    2 teaspoons of ground sage

    2 sticks of real butter

    1 large knife (should look lethal)

    1 reserve box-o-wine (the white kind)

    salt and pepper


Open chardonnay box per instructions. Dispense into wine glass and garnish with crazy straw. Sample. Tell the kids, “It’s a juice box for grown-ups.”

Position oven rack at lowest setting and preheat oven to 325 degrees F. Sip wine.

Release turkey from vacuumed-sealed, impact-resistant packaging. Careful with that knife. Sip wine. Remove turkey neck and giblets and wave them about like puppets until your spouse tires of your “Who’s on first?” routine.

Extend crazy straw range with additional crazy straws. Test new connections. All leaks shall be repaired until the straw assembly is free of all leaks. Send kids out of the kitchen.

Find your choppy-board thingy. Chop onion into little onion pieces. Careful with that big knife! Avoid touching crazy straw with those oniony hands, cause boy that’s not a pleasant combination. Chop up the celery, too, into smaller celeries, too. Refill wine. Call the in-laws to come pick up the kids.

In saucepan (did I tell you you’re going to need a saucepan, cause you’re going to need a saucepan), in saucepan, melt 1 stick-o-butter over medium heat. Add chopped up stuff. Refill wine.

Break bread and moisten with the water. Place in the place of the large mixing bowl. Replace empty box-o-wine with this box I found over here’s the box I told you to get for this recipe. Open with that knife is sharp! Get the door, will ya?

You tell your in-laws that you’re tired of them telling you how to raise their children and their cat smells funny too. Why do they always look so mad?

Rub the toilet seat with this stick of butter I found and wait for your spouse to go to the bathroom. This is going to be really funny. Do you smell something?

Remove burning saucepan from stove and swat smoke alarm with THIS THING IS HOT! You were gonna have that sofa cleaned with a slip cover anyway I found a bigger cup so we don’t have to mess with that silly glass thingy no more. Who left this turkey in the sink?

And that, my friends, is how you make snowshoes out of empty wine boxes. Be sure to tune in next time when my spouse says, “Those maids don’t need any of your help?”

Copyright Rick Rantamaki

Rick Rantamaki is a humor writer from Georgia who works in the field of Information Technology. You can read more of his writings in his blog, Rantin' Lackey



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