Southern Humorists

   Southern Humorists.com

    Reopening negotiations with the North - One Laugh at a time.

Down Home
Good Ol'  Staff
Y'all Come Join
Dixie Dispatch
Get Our Ezine
Humor Shop
Buy Our Books
Our Writers
Theresa Adams
Sherri Bailey
Ben Baker
Shag Baker
Lisa Barker
Renee' Barnes
Mama Kat
Melissa Baumann
Mike Bay
Neal Beard
GL Benton
Mark Berryman
John L. Brazell
Brenda Birmelin
John Brock
Mitch Chase
Carson Cockman
Maxwell Courson
Willis Craik
Kevin Crawford
Steve Darnell
David Decker
Cheryl Dendy
Judy Diamond
Doug Dickerson
Horace J. Digby
Susie Dunham
Irv Eisenberg
Carrie English
Diane Estill
Leeuna Foster
Lisa Friedman
Karin Fuller
Bill Fullerton
Angela Gillaspie
Joe Giorgianni
Cathy Gregor
Tom Hale
Chase Hart
Robert Haught
Ken Hill
Wayne Hunt
Edward Hurst
Neil O. Jones
Phil Jones
Stephen Kramer
Marti Lawrence
Monica M.
Barbara Madden
Alice Masci
Bill Melton
Sheila Moss
George Motz
Mark Motz
Tom O'Brien
Jason Offutt
Ed Owen
J.  Papandrew
Greg Podolski
Rick Rantamaki
Joyce Rapier
Cappy Rearick
Susan Reinhardt
G  Richardson
Elisa Ritter
Tisha Sharp
Dana Sieben
Julie W  Smith
James L. Snyder
Bev Sobkowich
Asa Sparks
Al Speegle
Leon Stewart
Ren Summerlin
BobLee Swagger
Brian  Thompson
David Wayne
Roy P Whittaker
S.D. Youngren
Jest fer Fun!
Possum Hunt
The Word "Girl"
Deer Hunting
Exclamation
Cut the Mustard
Snipe Hunting
Snake Handlin'
Rhubarb
Rooster Contest
Redneck Car
Sneaky Snake
Sassafras
Boiled Peanuts 
Tipsy Chicken
Fried Jelly Beans
Marriage Advice
Super Dudes
Summer Fav's
Bacon Grease
Big Butts
Ressel-pees
Purty Peggy
Tub o' Lard
Dixie Dispatch
Dixie Dispatch
Redneck Lovin'
Diggin' in Dirt
All About Dixie
Critters Varmints
Gooder'n Grits
Southern Autumn
Scared Silly
Piggin' Out
Holler-Days
Links & Stuff
Visit Our Sites
HOT HumorLinks
Link Swap
WebRings
Favorite Toons
Chicken Writer
BirdBreath
Chasetoons
Say Howdy!
Email a Howdy
Our Policy
Banners

Dedicated to Marta Martin  

Tribute to AsA

  Updated 1-2-08

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

\

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

LBD Conspiracy

By Jackie Papandrew 

It's funny how one's self-image tends to stay frozen in time. Your mind picks out a moment when you looked your best, sometimes a moment that occurred many moons (and many pounds) ago, and it goes through some kind of freezing process that crystallizes this warm memory into a mental ice cube tray where you can periodically pull it out of the figurative freezer of dreams and lick it with the symbolic tongue of delusion just to make sure it's still there.

Or something like that.

For my husband, this frosted fantasy is more than 20 years old and revolves around his balmy bachelor days when he drove a little red sports car and spent his weekends logging hours as a private pilot. He keeps a picture of himself -- I call it his Top Gun picture -- from those days. He's leaning against that sports car, handsome and dashing in a flight suit, with his airplane in the background. The car and the plane are long gone, and the flight suit would require a considerable amount of alternation if he wanted to wear it now (sorry, dear), but I know my Tom Cruise clone still sees himself as that studly single man.

My flash-frozen picture of myself occurred about the same time, back in my skinny season, when I first wore a Little Black Dress. For a woman, the LBD is far more than a piece of clothing. It's a canvas on which she can showcase her stylish self, one of the most important items in her wardrobe. And once a woman, say one like me, has felt beautiful in this essential item of apparel (a la Audrey Hepburn in Breakfast at Tiffany's) , she tends to assume she will always look good in it.

So with this assumption firmly in mind and having not worn an LBD for quite a while, I went shopping recently for a new little black dress to wear to this year's holiday parties. I had my teenage daughter and my mother in tow.  And I stumbled upon a shocking scandal, one that should have every woman in the country up in arms.

Someone is sabotaging the LBD. Someone, probably the same folks adding lead to children's toys, is removing fabric from the fundamental fashion frock and skewing the sizes. These pernicious people have a lot to answer for.

I tried on dress after dress in what I thought would be a quick quest for a trendy, yet timeless LBD. I started, naturally, with the size that I know fits me, the size that has fit me for years. But for some reason, the dresses in my size failed to flatter my figure. In fact, each terribly tight toga refused to go much past my knees! I was astounded, and then annoyed, as my size-zero, soon-to-be-disowned daughter snickered and rather cruelly implied that my love for a certain Italian dessert could have contributed to my size shrinkage problem: ("Oh, tiramisu," she said mockingly, "how could you?")

My mom, trying to be helpful, began bringing me LBDs in larger sizes. I refused to try them on. 

"That's my size and I'm sticking to it!" I said heatedly, pointing to one of the discarded dresses.

A warm flush of embarrassment began to spread over my face and threatened to melt that icy illusion in my head. 

That's when I realized I was the unwitting victim of a vast LBD conspiracy. These people are trying to make me look fat and send me into the little black dress doldrums. But I won't give them that satisfaction. I want my original size back.  I'm calling my congressman.

 

  Jackie Papandrew 2007

*     *     *

jackie75percentsmaller.jpgJackie Papandrew is an award-winning writer/editor with experience in a wide variety of publications, including newspapers and magazines, technical materials and corporate communications. She also writes a syndicated humor column. 

Want to receive Jackie's weekly column via email? Select Free Subscription. You can also join Jackie's Gather group -- Humor by Jackie Papandrew or visit her blog.

 

 

More Funny Columns from Southern Humorists

Home Staff | Join Us | Dixie Dispatch | Links | Humor Shop

"We Cover the Country Like Kudzu"

Copyright 2008 Southern Humorists' Enterprises
Editor - Angela Gillaspie
- Editor - Sheila Moss  - Consulting Editor - Ben Baker
Dixie Dispatch - Angela Gillaspie - SouthernHumorists.com - Sheila Moss - Publicity Editor - Leeuna Foster