British Broadcast Radio News Service now takes
you to Cyprus for this important
announcement.. Come in Sir Plympton Gnithwold."
There was deepening and fading static,
followed by several noise bursts, probably
caused by short circuits or loose solenoid
transistors and/or leaky vacuum tubes.
"Good evening, this is British Broadcast
News .. from Cyprus." Long pause followed
by second long pause followed by shuffled
papers noises. "British Broadcast News
has learned of a dreadful demotion deed.
Fourth Lord of The Admiralty, Sir Bammy
Parchbald, admitted today that Billy, a goat,
was demoted from lance-corporal to fusilier,
the same status as an Army Private without
privileges while aboard any of Her Majesty's
"It seems Billy was most unruly while on
parade during a ceremony marking Her Majesty's
eightieth birthday. Billy is the mascot of the
Welsh Guards and is a descendent of The Royal
Herd. It was once believed he was a member of
the disreputable Gay Gordon Clan."
More papers shuffling and some static.
"Rather than lead the ceremonial parade,
he insisted on head butting the drummers and
trombone musicians in their waistbands and
nether regions. During the playing of God Save
The Queen he broke away from his handler, PFC
Priscilla Vicky Jenny-Penny Mirthsome, and ran
to a nearby flag pole where he relieved
himself. What was most dreadful was his
lifting of his hind leg and doing it . 'doggy
"Many lads from the Home Office then
chased Billy into a circle of Foreign Vice
Regals who laughed and joked while exploring
Billy's anatomicals. After escaping the ham
handed grasp of a Russian Princess, he hopped
over a barricade and trotted smartly to a rose
bush and again disgraced himself."
"At that precise moment, a person, or
persons, probably American, started shouting
"Bar-B-Q" and soon the whole affair
was turned into a Royal Row. The Irish Step
Dancers and some French Legionnaires held an
impromptu waltz while some low life
Australians sang their one and only piece of
music, Waltzing Mathilda. Calm was restored
when Billy trotted up to his evening keeper
and received his ration of two cigarettes .Marlboroughs,
. without filters. Not one person in the War
Office can give a satisfactory explanation as
to why Billy prefers the smelly American brand
as opposed to British Consols."
"A Military Attaché, speaking on
condition of anonymity in a church graveyard,
said that Billy will live at Worcestershire
Olmrod, which is home for all military mascots
while their platoons are at war. The present
guest list includes a ferret, a python, and an
elephant with a unexplained pregnancy."
Demoted was awarded Honorable Mention
in the prestigious June/July HumorPress.com