By Tom O'Brien
British Broadcast Radio News Service now takes you to Cyprus for this
important announcement.. Come in Sir Plympton Gnithwold."
There was deepening and fading static, followed by several noise bursts,
probably caused by short circuits or loose solenoid transistors and/or leaky
"Good evening, this is British Broadcast News .. from Cyprus." Long
pause followed by second long pause followed by shuffled papers noises.
"British Broadcast News has learned of a dreadful demotion deed. Fourth
Lord of The Admiralty, Sir Bammy Parchbald, admitted today that Billy, a goat,
was demoted from lance-corporal to fusilier, the same status as an Army
Private without privileges while aboard any of Her Majesty's Ships."
"It seems Billy was most unruly while on parade during a ceremony marking
Her Majesty's eightieth birthday. Billy is the mascot of the Welsh Guards and
is a descendent of The Royal Herd. It was once believed he was a member of the
disreputable Gay Gordon Clan."
More papers shuffling and some static.
"Rather than lead the ceremonial parade, he insisted on head butting the
drummers and trombone musicians in their waistbands and nether regions. During
the playing of God Save The Queen he broke away from his handler, PFC
Priscilla Vicky Jenny-Penny Mirthsome, and ran to a nearby flag pole where he
relieved himself. What was most dreadful was his lifting of his hind leg and
doing it . 'doggy fashion.'"
"Many lads from the Home Office then chased Billy into a circle of
Foreign Vice Regals who laughed and joked while exploring Billy's anatomicals.
After escaping the ham handed grasp of a Russian Princess, he hopped over a
barricade and trotted smartly to a rose bush and again disgraced
"At that precise moment, a person, or persons, probably American, started
shouting "Bar-B-Q" "Bar-B-Q" "Bar-B-Q" and soon
the whole affair was turned into a Royal Row. The Irish Step Dancers and some
French Legionnaires held an impromptu waltz while some low life Australians
sang their one and only piece of music, Waltzing Mathilda. Calm was restored
when Billy trotted up to his evening keeper and received his ration of two
cigarettes .Marlboroughs, . without filters. Not one person in the War Office
can give a satisfactory explanation as to why Billy prefers the smelly
American brand as opposed to British Consols."
"A Military Attaché, speaking on condition of anonymity in a church
graveyard, said that Billy will live at Worcestershire Olmrod, which is home
for all military mascots while their platoons are at war. The present guest
list includes a ferret, a python, and an elephant with a unexplained
© 2006 Tom O'Brien
NOTE: Demoted was awarded Honorable Mention in the
prestigious June/July HumorPress.com competition