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I Got No Butt


By Stacey Mollus

The headlines last month read, “Butt Injection with Fix-a-Flat Leads to Arrest”. I am not making this up, folks. It has been reported that a transgender man from Miami, posing as a plastic surgeon, injected a mixture of rubber cement, mineral oil and Fix-a-Flat into a woman’s rear end in an attempt to give her a larger behind. Needless to say, the woman ended up in the emergency room. Luckily, she is alive, but very ill.  

This crazy act was performed at something called a “plumping party”, and they are all the rage. At these parties, you are offered a snack and a drink, then you and your friends they lay across your kitchen table while a “doctor” injects you with Botox or Restylane. Well, these parties are not just for lips and wrinkles, anymore. You can now get your whole rear end “plumped” in someone’s kitchen.

If there is anyone on this planet that knows the scorn of being butt-challenged, it is me. I have never had a rump. Even as a child, when I got into trouble, my parents would have to ground me because there was no bottom to swat.

I never really knew until the last few years, that my fanny flatness was considered by some to be a liability. As a matter of fact, being the fastest kid down the slide in elementary school because I didn’t have the drag that my bulbous-butted friends had always made me think I had a special gift that made me more aerodynamic.

Now, with society’s emphasis on a fanny you can set a tray of drinks on, I am suddenly self-conscious, knowing there is nothing but flatness between my shoulder blades and my knees

I have tried several non-surgical options hoping to get me some junk-in-my-trunk, like doing a million squats. I came away with no additional tushy tissue, only sore thighs. I also tried consuming more calories to plump up my fat cells, but the additional weight just went to my tummy and my neck, and I ended up looking like one of those dancing cartoon frogs that had a big head and body, but a tiny bottom and skinny legs.   

There is another option I have yet to try and that is “butt pads”. I have been told there are foam rubber inserts you can put into your jeans that supposedly give you a J-Lo type of tukas. I am hesitant to try these because I am convinced if I get sweaty, one of my fake “cheeks” will migrate to a place other that my po-po, and freak people out.

I am aware, because of my large tummy and lack of buttockal tissue, I look like a Barbie that someone twisted the bottom half around so the rear is facing forward, (take a moment to get a visual) but I am OK with that. I am also OK with the fact that my belt loops are always tearing off because of my continual tugging on them to keep my britches up, and I have come to grips with my dresses always being shorter in the front. These are just a part of who I am.  I don’t need Fix-a-Flat, to fix MY flat, if I like me.

I embrace my flat fanny. It has allowed me to fall on it, a LOT, it doesn’t take up all of the room in my jeans so I can shove large items into my back pocket, and I am protected from a lot of unwanted pinching.

The size of my seat has nothing to do with the size of my brain, so I will not be attending any “plumping parties”. As long as I can sit in a chair and not fall onto the floor during dinner, I am happy.    

Copyright 2012 Stacey Mollus


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