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Post This Inside Your Medicine Chest

by Bill Melton

My wife got one of those forwarded emails the other day. One those emails so full of knowledge everybody who gets it feels the need to send it to everybody they know so they can be enlightened too.
The subject line read- post this inside of your medicine chest- and it was followed by a long list of cure-alls from easing burns by rubbing Colgate toothpaste on them to curing a urinary tract infection by drinking Alka Seltzer.
The person that sent the email to the person who sent it to us put a little line with it that said, Don't know the validity of these but may be worth a try some day.
Here's an idea, if you don't know the validity of something, don't send it to somebody else.
And here's another idea. If the people who make Colgate toothpaste don't advertise it as a burn treatment, don't rub it on one.
My favorite read-Before you head to the drug store for a high priced inhaler filled with mysterious chemicals, try chewing a couple of curiously strong Altoids peppermints. They'll clear up your stuffed up nose.
Mysterious chemicals in nose drops? There's nothing mysterious about the .05 % solution of oxymetazoline hydrochloride in my bottle of Afrin. It'll clear your snout out in 2 seconds flat.  All chewing Altoids will do is improve the smell of your breath.
The real mystery is people who forward these types of emails.
But I did get some good out this one as it harkened me back to my childhood where my daddy was the man with all the mysterious cure-all chemicals. He had 'em all and a few and potions and wild ideas to go along with 'em as well.
The time I got eat up with the planters warts somebody told him you cured those by putting a penny for each wart in a rag and then burying them in the yard.  There might have been some incantation or voodoo spell that went along with it, luckily I don't remember.
Either way it didn't work. The dermatologist, however, did.
And y‚'all may remember the story I've told about how my mom and dad tried to cure my childhood asthma with a Chihuahua dog. Seems they'd been told Chihuahua dogs would actually suck a child's asthma into itself and suffer for the child and they knew it was true because the fool who told them used as evidence of its effectiveness this that Xavier Cugat had a Chihuahua he didn't suffer from asthma.
So they bought the dog and I tried my best to play with him but as he was the meanest dog I've ever known it was a challenge to even get close enough to try and breathe my asthma on him and not get my leg bit off at the same time.
But it didn't work. The more I breathed on that dog the meaner he got and the worse I got.  Maybe if I'd chewed up some of those curiously strong Altoids my breath wouldn't offend him so bad.
But finally, as my consumption increased and I started to decline, mom and dad finally broke down and took me to the allergy doctor. After a few tests he said what I was allergic to the most was dog hair.
And if all this wasn't bad enough somebody told him about all the curing powers held in vitamins and man he went wild. Went down to the drugstore and bought a bottle of every kind they had and found him cure all vitamin handbook that had a vitamin that cured everything from gonorrhea to the seven years itch. Any unfortunate soul who made the mistake of mentioning near him he was ailing from something would cause the Old Man to get a fire in his eyes like a pew jumping preacher, pull out his vitamin book and light to that sucker like he was preaching to the heathen.
He did everything with those vitamins except grind them up, yell ooh eeh oohahah, ting tang wallawalla tingtang and blow 'em on you like a witch doctor casting a spell.
Luckily he grew out of this vitamin phase before he killed somebody.
But if you any of y'all get this forwarded cure all email and believe any of that crud, just let me know. Next time your sick I'll get the Old Man to dust off his old vitamin book and bring him over to see you. He beats heck out a forwarded email and he's a whole lot more entertaining.  

Copyright 2006 William Melton 

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Bill Melton was born and raised in the Piedmont of North Carolina.  He grew up in Gaston County, graduated East Gaston High School, and from Belmont Abbey College with a B.A. in History in 1988.

Bill was employed out of college as an police officer with the Mecklenburg County Police Department.  He left Mecklenburg County in 1990 to become an officer with Gaston County Police Department.

Bill has served the Gaston County Police Department as a patrolman, narcotics investigator, SWAT team member, patrol sergeant, educational service sergeant, and as a patrol captain.  He is currently commander of the Departmentís Special Investigations Section.

In 2001, Bill began writing a humor column for the Gaston Gazette strictly to aggravate his Yankee School teacher wife.  He reports he has so far been successful that endeavor.  In the spring of 2002, his column was picked up by the Hickory Daily and was picked up by the Monroe Enquirer Journal that Fall.  This column currently runs weekly in all three of these Charlotte area regional publications.  In the Fall of 2003, the Bladen Journal also picked up Billís column. Bill is also currently publishing 70 of his columns in a book entitled, Make Room In The Doghouse.

As a humorist, Bill is popular as a motivational and humor speaker.  He has served as master of ceremonies for festivals and has served as the keynote speaker for trade associations as well as at county fairs.  Bill is also popular as an after dinner speaker which he likes best since they usually feed him.

Bill has had a wide background, to include having served as a United Methodist minister, has held elected office, and has been a volunteer fireman and volunteer member of a lifesaving crew. 

Bill lives in Gaston County, and is married to Laurie Bogardus Melton, a Yankee School teacher woman.  They have two children, Jacob age 9, and Kathleen, age 6.  

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