Here in the Hoot Palace, in addition to home
schooling, we do home Sunday Schooling. We are
And a fine church it is. Instead of Ten
Commandments we have Eleven Really Good
Suggestions. We’re not big on taking orders,
just never could get comfortable with that
antiquated authoritarian thing, but we’ll
listen to anyone’s ideas if presented sanely.
In that spirit, instead of “Thou shalt not,”
we say, “Hey, why not?”
1. Hey, why not have bubble baptisms?
2. Hey, instead of gettin all gussied up once a
week (for some only on Easter and Mother’s
Day), why not look our best every day and wear
our Birthday Suits?
3. Hey, why not admit that eternity, by its very
definition, is already going on and instead of
fretting about where we're going to spend it,
give some creative thought to how we're going to
4. Hey, instead of sending ten percent of our
money to a bunch of strangers, why not invest it
in making ourselves a bunch stranger?
5. Hey, why not have our special Christmas
program tonight? I'm as jolly an old elf as
you're likely to find, anyway. Lively and quick
6. Hey, why not liven up the altar call with a
little Irish Folk Dancing?
7. Hey, why not supplement the saints with
statues of Honor Blackman and Tom Robbins?
Or—and I like this even better—each of us
can be a living icon. Lord knows we've earned
8. Hey, instead of putting on airs, why don't we
take off on Sammy? “Who can take a rainbow,
wrap it in a sigh, soak it in the sun and make a
groovy lemon pie? The Candy Man, The Candy Man
9. Hey, why not seriously pursue Dave Gardner's
idea that every night’s a Saturday night and
every day’s a Sunday?
10. Hey, instead of sending out missionaries
fostering limitations, why not send out
permissionaries facilitating liberation?
11. Hey, instead of giving me that old time
religion (we already have so much of that we had
to rent a storage locker), how about giving me a
full-body massage and a free snowcone?
My goal is to have these Eleven Really Good
Suggestions posted in every government building.
I want every American to memorize them, throw
them away, and come up with their own.
Home Sunday School lesson topics:
If Oscar Wilde was right (and I think he was)
when he said, “Every saint has a past and
every sinner has a future,” then our paths
should be crossing right about...now!
In his beautiful book, God’s Trombones, James
Weldon Johnson tells of an old-time preacher who
announces, “Brothers and sisters, this
morning—I intend to explain the
unexplainable—find out the undefinable—ponder
over the imponderable—and unscrew the
That’s pretty much what I have in mind, but
let us furthermore boldly attempt to eff the
(You’ll need your Carnac hat for this one.) A
cow, Toledo, moley, and smoke: Which is the
“Money” by Pink Floyd or “Money (That’s
What I Want)” by The Beatles: Which one makes
the best offertory music?
When we sing “Amazing Grace” to the tune of
“The Yellow Rose of Texas,” why does the
* “The Candy Man,” as performed by Sammy
Davis Junior. Written by Leslie Bricusse and
Anthony Newley. God bless You, Sammy, wherever
You are! Sammy: Patron Saint of Groovy Cats.
-- Read more of Tom Hale's Campfire Tales at http://www.mightymuddy.com