Southern Humorists

   Southern Humorists.com

    Reopening negotiations with the North - One Laugh at a time.

Down Home
Good Ol'  Staff
Y'all Come Join
Dixie Dispatch
Get Our Ezine
Humor Shop
Buy Our Books
Our Writers
Theresa Adams
Sherri Bailey
Ben Baker
Shag Baker
Lisa Barker
Renee' Barnes
Mama Kat
Melissa Baumann
Mike Bay
Neal Beard
GL Benton
Mark Berryman
John L. Brazell
Brenda Birmelin
John Brock
Mitch Chase
Carson Cockman
Maxwell Courson
Willis Craik
Kevin Crawford
Steve Darnell
David Decker
Cheryl Dendy
Judy Diamond
Doug Dickerson
Horace J. Digby
Susie Dunham
Irv Eisenberg
Carrie English
Diane Estill
Leeuna Foster
Lisa Friedman
Karin Fuller
Bill Fullerton
Angela Gillaspie
Joe Giorgianni
Cathy Gregor
Tom Hale
Chase Hart
Robert Haught
Ken Hill
Wayne Hunt
Edward Hurst
Neil O. Jones
Phil Jones
Stephen Kramer
Marti Lawrence
Monica M.
Barbara Madden
Alice Masci
Bill Melton
Sheila Moss
George Motz
Mark Motz
Tom O'Brien
Jason Offutt
Ed Owen
J.  Papandrew
Greg Podolski
Rick Rantamaki
Joyce Rapier
Cappy Rearick
Susan Reinhardt
G  Richardson
Elisa Ritter
Tisha Sharp
Dana Sieben
Julie W  Smith
James L. Snyder
Bev Sobkowich
Asa Sparks
Al Speegle
Leon Stewart
Ren Summerlin
BobLee Swagger
Brian  Thompson
David Wayne
Roy P Whittaker
S.D. Youngren
Jest fer Fun!
Possum Hunt
The Word "Girl"
Deer Hunting
Exclamation
Cut the Mustard
Snipe Hunting
Snake Handlin'
Rhubarb
Rooster Contest
Redneck Car
Sneaky Snake
Sassafras
Boiled Peanuts 
Tipsy Chicken
Fried Jelly Beans
Marriage Advice
Super Dudes
Summer Fav's
Bacon Grease
Big Butts
Ressel-pees
Purty Peggy
Tub o' Lard
Dixie Dispatch
Dixie Dispatch
Redneck Lovin'
Diggin' in Dirt
All About Dixie
Critters Varmints
Gooder'n Grits
Southern Autumn
Scared Silly
Piggin' Out
Holler-Days
Links & Stuff
Visit Our Sites
HOT HumorLinks
Link Swap
WebRings
Favorite Toons
Chicken Writer
BirdBreath
Chasetoons
Say Howdy!
Email a Howdy
Our Policy
Banners

Dedicated to Marta Martin  

Tribute to AsA

  Updated 1-2-08

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

\

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

My Cristmas Gift to Me

by Cathy Gregor

Last year I decided to treat myself for Christmas and ordered a robotic vacuum cleaner on sale, the price was so good I JUST HAD TO HAVE IT!   No woman on earth could resist such a bargain....$39.99 down from $200.00 dollars and my phone was not fast enough to keep up with my fingers when I dialed the "800" number to put in my order.
 
It was delivered one week before Christmas and I ripped open the box (after I tipped my UPS guy) with such fervor that I haven't felt in years.  Read the directions, plugged in the battery pack and charged that bugger up..darn, I had to wait for 12 hours for a complete charge. 
 
The following morning I jumped out of bed so excited to try out my robot.  Yes, the two lights showed it was fully charged just like his mommy was, waiting to see what this bugger can do. 
 
Made my morning coffee so I could think clearly and decide what room I would try it out in first.  Still thinking, I had to have my second cup of caffeine before my feeble brain could engage.  Bingo, my mind started churning and I made my decision, the spare bathroom so I turned on the robot and let the bugger go. 
 
My trial run with the door closed and five minutes later was very impressive.  Not one tumbleweed of cat hair was left behind plus all the dingle berries left on the floor by the cheap toilet paper disappeared also. 
 
I was so pleased with my cute robot that I had to give him a name.  I "thunk" on this for awhile and decided to name it "LARRY" after "LARRY THE CABLE GUY" who I adore.
Yes definitely he will now be known as "Larry".  I cut out some material and glued a sleeveless shirt on him and glued some small mice on top of that just to drive my cats nuts. 
 
I JUST GET SUCH BRILLIANT IDEAS!  I EVEN AMAZE MYSELF AT TIMES!
 
The next day I decided to let Larry run wild while I kicked back to watch Dr. Phil and have a martini before fixing dinner.  I felt like a queen with a maid and Larry also kept my cats chasing him and they got their exercise too.  It must have been the extra touch of cat nip spray I covered Larry with before I sent Larry off to fulfill his duties for his queen (me).
 
An hour later all the cats came into the den exhausted and just vegged out in front of the fireplace.  I got up to look for Larry but couldn't find the bugger, I knew he still had time on his charge to "get her done" and that Larry would eventually turn up sooner rather than later "somewhere".
 
A while later the doorbell was ringing like mad and I didn't want to answer it, the Jehovah Witnesses have been working this neighborhood for months and nothing I have said would turn then away. 
 
When my father was alive I would send them down to my parents and my dad would invite them in and drill them for hours till they were exhausted and had to go back to their elders to answer his questions about the Bible and "their" religion.  You see, our sect were the only ones to get into heaven and everyone went to hell....including them.  Those were the good old days.
 
Well, then I saw the flashing lights in my driveway I finally opened the door.  Apparently Larry sucked up my phone cord and activated the security system to call for an emergency.
 
The ambulance was in the driveway and the attendants were on the porch with the gurney to pick me up and strap my butt in for the trip to the hospital.  I tried to tell them I was o.k. and that "LARRY" (my maid) must have sucked up my phone cord and activated the alarm system for help.
 
I tried to tell them that I was looking for Larry and I couldn't find him, they thought that I was mental and didn't know what I was doing.  Especially when they asked me who Larry was, and I answered "Larry you idiots, don't you know Larry the cable guy?".  He was sweeping my floors and then he got away and I couldn't find him......ask my cats, they followed him and loved him because he played with them for an hour until they were exhausted.
 
Before I knew it they had me strapped into this straight jacket and I just kept screaming my head off while kicking and biting whatever I could get my chops on for them to let me go.
 
I begged them to call my stud muffin who was out of town or call my neighbors because they know I am not crazy, but they wouldn't listen to me. 
 
I spent that night in the hospital and one night duty nurse listened to me and my story.  She called my best friend Rose who is a nurse herself and who she knew and then Rose called my stud muffin and my doctor.
 
I was left out the next day after everything was cleared up and I was not pronounced "mental".  I could have sued and gotten rich, but that is not something I could ever do.
 
I was really glad when I got back home and started my search for my robot Larry.  I did have a  score to settle with that schmuck.  After hours and hours of searching I finally found that pervert in my underwear drawer sniffing away and his batteries were still charged.
 
I grabbed that pervert and put him in a box until I could think of something good for me to get even with him.  YES, THEN IT CAME TO ME!  Since that pervert likes to sniff I decided to let him sniff his guts out.  
 
That night I took great glee with him.  Yes, I had the perfect revenge....the litter boxes!
I charged him up to the max and left him sniff and suck up until he huffed and puffed and blew himself out. 
 
The irony is that after I emptied him out and recharged the pervert my robot is as good as new. 
 
Therefore he/it is now up for sale, whoever is interested just pay the shipping and handling and I will give you the pervert for free.
 
Merry Christmas.
 
Copyright 2007 Cathy Gregor

* * * * * 

Cathy Gregor is a wanna be writer who resides in Pennsylvania with her cave man and cats.  No picture available since she is in the "Whisker Protection Program".  Smuggling catnip into the country does not pay and when caught she turned federal witness for the Pussycution. To help with her rehabilitation she has a website www.sexandthekitty.com and is a proud member of www.southernhumorists.com.

    

More Funny Columns from Southern Humorists

       

Home Staff | Join Us | Dixie Dispatch | Links | Humor Shop

"We Cover the Country Like Kudzu"

Copyright 2008 Southern Humorists' Enterprises
Editor - Angela Gillaspie
- Editor - Sheila Moss  - Consulting Editor - Ben Baker
Dixie Dispatch - Angela Gillaspie - SouthernHumorists.com - Sheila Moss - Publicity Editor - Leeuna Foster