Since you all know that I am an old hen and not a spring chick, that
years as a sun worshiper definitely takes a toll on your face and
I never had my skin checked in 65 years so my girlfriend got me
into her specialist which took almost six months for my appointment.
Finally. went to my appointment and her nurse asked me if I would
allow a male to come in for my evaluation; apparently he was in
training the way the doctors come to your bedside in the hospital
with a freaking herd of schmucks to check out your private parts.
Told her that my stud muffin doesn't appreciate any other man
checking out my body but him, especially my bush. I begged off,
stripped and put on this paper robe that fit like a paper towel on
Well, the nurse was asking me all these questions and my answers
were "Yes, I am neutered, but not declawed", "Had to
get neutered, cancer", "Yes, had other surgery, total body
lift after losing 95 lbs......wana see all my scars?" The
schmuck just kept taking notes, said the doc would come in and left.
Within 2 minutes this freaking albino came in; she looked like
Snow White without her dwarfs, they must have been in the waiting
room, and her nurse was in tow with a camera and other stuff.
I almost had a hairball because I might just be in a porno and
wind up on Facebook before I left the exam room.
Snow White came in and started checking me out from my scalp down
to my bush and toes and found two melanomas which had to be cut out
and scheduled the surgery for the following week. As we left the
exam room I SAW THE MOST HANDSOME MAN in this white coat. Wow, he
looked like a god waiting for me. I just melted when he smiled his
pearly whites and I saw his muscles bulging through his doctor coat.
I THOUGHT I DIED AND WENT TO HEAVEN.
I closed the door and asked if that was the intern that they
asked my permission to assist. They said yes.
Well, I just told them that I wanted another exam with him in the
room for a second opinion; he was smoking hot. I was crushed when
they said that couldn't happen. Heck, I am still dreaming about him.
Well, enough about that, GETTING SIDE TRACKED.
Snow White told me to stop being a sun goddess and even gave me a
brochure of clothes to wear when I am in my swimming pool. Checked
that out, no way. Found someone who does spray tans. She comes to
your house with a flip-up spray tent so I decided to have a spray
tanning party. I thought that was a brilliant solution for me and my
friends. I do amaze myself with some of my brilliant brain flashes,
and this seemed like the perfect solution. I WAS SO FREAKING PROUD
OF MYSELF WITH MY MENTAL CAPACITY TO EVEN PULL THIS TOGETHER.
NOTE.....I AM BRAIN DAMAGED.
All the housewives on Bravo get spray tans, so the housewives of
Pennsylvania can do it to. Actually it was very cheap, 20 dollars a
tan, and all my friends came. You had a choice of getting sprayed
naked or with bathing suits on. We all went naked and had to wait an
hour before we could put clothes on, which meant I had to get my
stud muffin out of the house for a few hours. He is 73 years old now
and I don't need a horny old goat ruining my spray tan, or for that
matter, getting excited with naked bodies and having a freaking
The big day arrived and all us women were really excited. Spray
tanks came in, big spray tent went into position, and Bingo, the
action started. We each could choose the level of tan we wanted at
no extra charge. This seemed to good to be true. I had every one
else go first and I finally went last.
They all looked amazing. Once they dried off, clothes came back
on and they were told strict instructions to not shower for 24
Then it was my turn. Stepped into the tent and she asked me how
dark do I want to go? Told her I want to go as dark as she can make
me. After all I wanted
the most for my money. THAT WAS FREAKING STUPID.
Well, it took me hours in that tent, layer after layer, more
layers, then more layers. She finally had me look into the mirror in
the bathroom, and that is when I had my stroke. I LOOKED LIKE
BUCKWHEAT'S SISTER. Sweet Jesus! I was black as night. When I smiled
I had the whitest teeth I ever had in my life.
When Tom got home, the lights were out. I was watching my
weirdoes on TV and he yelled for me, but couldn't find me till I
Then he turned on the lights and started choking like the cats
when they have hairballs; then he started screaming at me saying
stupid stuff like what the hell did I do to myself , what the hell
is wrong with me, and a lot more stuff that I cant repeat. I LEFT
HIM VENT FOR ABOUT AN HOUR, then told him most of it will wash off
tomorrow and to get a grip. Couldn't blame him, it shocked the shit
out of me too.
Couldn't wait for my next day shower. The water flowing down the
drain was dark brown and I felt confident that I would be a nice
golden brown and look freaking fabulous. Dried off and checked
myself in the mirror and now I looked like OPRAH, which was a little
better, but not good enough. Yes, now I freaked
because if this was the results, I needed bleach to get back to
normal. But I had to get into work and just had to show up as Oprah.
Since I am a whore for tips, I put on my push up bra and checked
in as Oprah, told them I was in a completion, which no one bought.
Think my stud muffin tipped them off.
Then had a massive brain storm while scrubbing the pool the next
day. If I am using soft scrub with bleach to clean the pool, hell,
it should work on me too. Oh yes, I am smart. Not that I am
bragging, but after three days of scrubbing my body in the pool with
soft scrub, I NOT ONLY EXFOLIATED, but got my normal color back.
I think I am back to normal, but then again, I have to tell you
how I turned into a bingo whore.
Copyright 2013 Cathy Gregor