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The happiest
day of my life was twenty four years ago when I married my wonderful stud muffin
who was a widower with teenage children, three cats, and an epileptic dog.
Oh yes, there was also a freaking snake which hated me and scared me to
death. For the rest of my life I
will remember going through the freezer to make dinner for the next day in the
crock pot and instead of pulling out a roast or a chicken, I would grab
something that I thought was a Popsicle on a stick and realized it was a frozen
mouse in the freezer for the snake.
The
teenagers were another story – a true life horror story, but I digress.
My husband is 10 years older than I am which is not a big deal when you
are young and full of “vim and vigor”.
Many, many
years later I realize that when the “experts” said that men hit their sexual
“peak” at 18 and women later, they totally hit the bull’s eye on the head!
Yes, I
remember back then we snuggled and I “partied” every evening with Willie.
Yes, life was good; I only wish I would have put five dollars away for
every time Willie and I connected. Oh
yes, years and years of sexual bliss, looking back no wonder I was a size 8, I
was burning calories like a bunny rabbit in heat, it brings tears to my eyes
every time I think about it. (Sob, Sob)
Well,
everything good must end, or so I am told. Excuse
me; I have to take a break here because I am just too emotional to go on. Hack,
Hack, Spit, Hairball.
Break time
is over:
Our marriage
was like everyone else except for the fact that I was a step parent.
Twenty five plus years ago I was one of the pioneers of being a step
mother; however, today that is the norm in families.
Back then I
wanted to write a book about being a step mother and all the hardships it
entails, maybe if I did I could have helped many others since then – but I
never did get around to it because I was trying to keep my sanity with teenage
step children giving me abuse and balling Willie at the same time.
But
somehow Willie and I survived through everything that happened to us and only
made us closer. To this day I love
my husband more everyday than when we married, even though I use the terminology
“Stud Muffin” loosely now because at 68 years old,
the plumbing eventually goes.
Yes, when my
Willie couldn’t play anymore I tried to give him many hints besides our talks.
Like me putting the bicycle pump next to his bed with a note attached
that I “WANT TO PUMP YOU UP”.. (Because he always loved Hans and Frantz on
Saturday Night Live that I recorded for him every week – way back when).
Well, the
pump didn’t work and my Willie brought home something for me from an adult
store. Yes, it was a toy which I
never before knew existed and I needed instructions along with batteries to use
it.
When I
opened the “present” from Willie my breath caught in my throat and I
didn’t know what the hell to do with this monstrosity, heck, I never thought
this size ever existed in this universe. It
looked like something a female elephant in the wild would look at the bull in
heat and say “you should be in porno flicks.”
But, since
Willie was so thoughtful I put in the 50 batteries it needed and tried to
explore. It vibrated so hard it was
like trying to hold on to a jack hammer, then the cats jumped up on the bed
thinking that mommy got them a new toy to play with.
The cats went nuts with all that action under the covers that they tore
apart my new comforter. They sure
did have a darn good time, hell; they even tore the feathers out of the pillows
because they got so excited.
Well,
I never did get to use it again because one of the cats must have bit the bugger
and got zapped on the bed. I think
that because Baby sort of screamed and fell over and I didn’t know if it was
from excitement or the smoke coming out of that big toy they were all playing
with. I grabbed Baby and breathed in
her mouth to bring her back to me and when she clawed my face I knew she would
be o.k.
The worse
part was that then we talked about “Viagra” and honey went to the doc and
was in perfect health so off he went to the pharmacy to pay for his
prescription.
Meanwhile I
also had to take the two cats in for their check ups and the awful hairballs
they were hacking all over my carpets also needed attention.
Let’s just say that when we got home the pills looked identical and
somehow they were switched with the pills Willie got from his doctor.
Willie would
take his pill and waited and waited, and then I would give the cat’s their
blue pill for their hairballs and they started crawling up the drapes, shredding
the sofa , mounting each other even though they were all neutered. Heck,
I am neutered but not declawed and I still got hot watching the cats with their
hairball pills, I was ready to take one or two myself.
Meanwhile
mommy was lighting candles and drawing an awesome bubble bath in the whirlpool
for Willie and me. I was so excited
and put so much effort into this.
Yes, like a
wonderful candlelight dinner (Willie blew out the candles so he could see what
he was eating) and I was dressed perfectly with added sprits of expensive
perfume. If I do have to say so myself without sounding vein, I really looked
hot and felt hot too.
Thank you
Jesus for Viagra, I watched all the advertisements about it and also the warning
that if it lasted more than four hours to seek help. No
way bucko.
Lordly,
yes give me four hours, please, please. I will be a good wife for the rest of my
life, just give me four hours.
After dinner
I knew something was really wrong when Willie went down to the basement and used
the cats litter box. He even covered
it over with litter and came up to lick his butt which really freaked me out.
When he looked up at me and “meowed” I ran for the phone to call the
doctor not knowing for sure if they would put him away or me in a straight
jacket for even calling.
Meanwhile,
the cats were in the whirlpool waiting for me and watching Animal Planet on the
television. They looked glassy eyed
and their tails were straight up in the air while they were doing the backstroke
and passing a joint between themselves that they found in my stash.
How sad
because when the doctor finally came, Willie was on the cat bed cleaning
himself, the cats were in the whirlpool humping each other and I was really
pissed.
Why?
Because I was the only one who never got any action for the past three
years and there was tons of cat hair in the whirlpool for me to clean up after I
dragged their butts out and dried them off.
As for me,
maybe I will wander into one of those adult stores to find a toy for me to play
with and try one of the cat’s hairball pills.
As for Willie, he’s still using the litter box and recently started
purring.
Copyright
2008 Cathy Gregor
Cathy Gregor is a wanna be writer who resides in Pennsylvania
with her cave man and cats. No picture available since she is in the
"Whisker Protection Program". Smuggling catnip into the country
does not pay and when caught she turned federal witness for the Pussycution. To
help with her rehabilitation she has a website www.sexandthekitty.com and
is a proud member of www.southernhumorists.com.
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