Southern Humorists - Funny Columns by Cathy Gregor

It's good to be back on line again.

My Dell computer died .......well, actually I just put that freaking bugger out of its misery with my Magnum. It was like an old horse and I just got so upset working with it that I decided I just had to shoot it, which I did.

NOTE TO SELF: ALWAYS, and I mean always REMOVE your computer outdoors to put it out of it's misery. UNFORTUNATELY, I got so frustrated that I forgot that small point before I locked and loaded to blow that sucker to hell and back for talking back and not working with me.

When stud muffin got home, I gave him a few glasses of wine before dinner to relax him before he saw all the damage I did.

I only fired three times, after which I felt awesome!!

However, the bullets not only destroyed the Dell tower - but ventured through the wall into the laundry room and also killed my Maytag washer.

Then I realized that I didn't feel "awesome" anymore. I loved that machine which we had for many years and can attest to the commercials on the television about the lonely repair man waiting for a phone call to do his job.

I have very found memories of that washer with stud muffin and myself, however, I won't go there.

Needless to say stud muffin really needed a few bottles of wine instead of the few glasses I gave him to "relax" before I showed him the damage. My mistake, next time I'll give him more because that bugger blew like I never saw before. I swear I saw steam coming out of his ears.

Actually, I never knew that he had such large veins in his forehead and neck when Tom screamed so loud. For that matter, I never saw his face contort that way before in all our years of marriage. I got scared because I thought he was going to have a heart attack....or that I better lock up my Magnum before he used it on me.

I didn't know what to do, was he going to die on me or would he just kill me. Actually, at that point in time, I thought the first option would be preferable ...................but then who would clean the cat's litter boxes, what about taking out the garbage, or shoveling snow?

It is amazing what flashes through your brain when you think you might be dead within seconds. I felt like a deer caught in headlights on a dark country road, not knowing what to do within that split second because I was frozen in place with fear.

Because I wasn't "Bambie" in a Disney film I just started crying so hard and fainted. All the shouting and cussing stopped and I didn't hear anything more in my head, everything was blissfully quiet.

When I "came to" stud muffin was horrified with himself and thought that I died on him. Note to self: should practice that to do in the future just in case.

Actually, that was the first time I ever fainted in my whole life, and I felt terrible for my stud muffin. When I opened my eyes his face wasn't bright red anymore, but looked like a KKK member wearing a white sheet that was washed with bleach and Kaboom for extra whitening.

At that moment everything in life fell back into perspective for both of us. Life is precious and we are both o.k. and together.

Also, at that moment I also realized that YES, time to go to Best Buy and get me a freaking new computer, which I did. I now am the proud new owner of a HP (NOT DELL) Pavilion Desktop AMD Phenom X4 with a 9550 Quad Core Processor which actually hums. Now, I just have to figure out how it all works.

I also will be getting my new Maytag washer which will be delivered early next week and they will haul away the poor baby that I accidentally shot. Will also have to call someone to fix the walls and I will have to repaint.

But other than that, knock on wood, life is good again.

By the way, did you know that they don't give out the instruction manual books with the new computers? They also don't give you the reboot CD's anymore (except for freaking Dell, of course!) and I had to pay extra for Best Buy to make the "restore" buggers for me.

Oh, one more thing, stud muffin said I am NEVER, NEVER allowed to take out another computer in the house again.

My answer was "yes honey I have learned my lesson". "If this one talks back to me and shuts down I will have to drag it's butt outside before I lock and load". Then I saw the look on his face and added "only kidding".

Thinking back now, I should have used a sledge hammer on the computer instead and would have had a lot less damage in the house. OR, I should have taken it outside since I just love target shooting.

This a lesson learned and proves that no matter how old you are, you can still learn something new every day. Especially when you get brain farts and do target practice in the house.