Southern Humorists


    Reopening negotiations with the North - One Laugh at a time.

Down Home
Good Ol'  Staff
Y'all Come Join
Dixie Dispatch
Get Our Ezine
Humor Shop
Buy Our Books
Our Writers
Theresa Adams
Sherri Bailey
Ben Baker
Shag Baker
Lisa Barker
Renee' Barnes
Mama Kat
Melissa Baumann
Mike Bay
Neal Beard
GL Benton
Mark Berryman
John L. Brazell
Brenda Birmelin
John Brock
Mitch Chase
Carson Cockman
Maxwell Courson
Willis Craik
Kevin Crawford
Steve Darnell
David Decker
Cheryl Dendy
Judy Diamond
Doug Dickerson
Horace J. Digby
Susie Dunham
Irv Eisenberg
Carrie English
Diane Estill
Leeuna Foster
Lisa Friedman
Karin Fuller
Bill Fullerton
Angela Gillaspie
Joe Giorgianni
Cathy Gregor
Tom Hale
Chase Hart
Robert Haught
Ken Hill
Wayne Hunt
Edward Hurst
Neil O. Jones
Phil Jones
Stephen Kramer
Marti Lawrence
Monica M.
Barbara Madden
Alice Masci
Bill Melton
Sheila Moss
George Motz
Mark Motz
Tom O'Brien
Jason Offutt
Ed Owen
J.  Papandrew
Greg Podolski
Rick Rantamaki
Joyce Rapier
Cappy Rearick
Susan Reinhardt
G  Richardson
Elisa Ritter
Tisha Sharp
Dana Sieben
Julie W  Smith
James L. Snyder
Bev Sobkowich
Asa Sparks
Al Speegle
Leon Stewart
Ren Summerlin
BobLee Swagger
Brian  Thompson
David Wayne
Roy P Whittaker
S.D. Youngren
Jest fer Fun!
Possum Hunt
The Word "Girl"
Deer Hunting
Cut the Mustard
Snipe Hunting
Snake Handlin'
Rooster Contest
Redneck Car
Sneaky Snake
Boiled Peanuts 
Tipsy Chicken
Fried Jelly Beans
Marriage Advice
Super Dudes
Summer Fav's
Bacon Grease
Big Butts
Purty Peggy
Tub o' Lard
Dixie Dispatch
Dixie Dispatch
Redneck Lovin'
Diggin' in Dirt
All About Dixie
Critters Varmints
Gooder'n Grits
Southern Autumn
Scared Silly
Piggin' Out
Links & Stuff
Visit Our Sites
HOT HumorLinks
Link Swap
Favorite Toons
Chicken Writer
Say Howdy!
Email a Howdy
Our Policy

Dedicated to Marta Martin  

Tribute to AsA

  Updated 1-2-08




























Gardening – a not so good way to diet

By Joe Giorgianni

Someone once said that a sure way to lose a lot of weight is to eat a lot of vegetables.  Come to think of it, I don’t recall seeing too many fat rabbits.  Remembering this profound dictum, I decided that the best way to get lots of vegetables would be to have a garden. 

Now, I admit, I am not the brightest star in the galaxy, nor the most proficient person in town when it comes to growing anything that needs water, plant food, daily conversation, or TLC.  And by the same token, I am not a millionaire, which is what one needs to be today to afford the variety of vegetables sold in super markets, road side stands, or from the back of a pick-up truck.  But, I thought that if eating more vegetables really does contribute to weight loss and since I cannot afford the high prices being charged, I should at least attempt to raise a few veggies in a garden.

First, I needed to locate just the right spot to plant the various things I thought I would enjoy eating.  A soil rich in nutrients.  A soil that is supple, yet firm enough to hold a good root system.  I would need space to plant things that grow on vines and spread over large areas.  After all, if I was going to lose a lot of weight, I would need a lot of veggies. 

After removing the majority of sod from around my house, I was on my way to a better living through vegetables.

The tractor I rented was not as much of a bargain as I thought it might be, but I figured that by the time I dug up the yard with a shovel, the growing season would be over.  Besides, it was fun watching my wife’s face as I skillfully maneuvered the tractor around the many trees in our yard.  I admit, however, had I been paying more attention to where I was going instead of where I had been, I wouldn’t have driven through the garage door, which of course managed to put a pretty deep crease in the trunk of my wife’s car.  The radiator on the tractor, I would learn, would cost considerably more, however, to repair than the car.  But, hey…I was excited that in a few short weeks, I would be savoring the magnificent flavors of things I had raised myself.

Next, I carefully selected what I wanted to plant.  The nice man at the seed store told me that good germination would require proper temperature, with plenty of water and lots of warm sunshine.  Now for the life of me, I could not understand why germs would, or should, be introduced into the food chain.  But, any guy with a Pioneer Seed Corn patch on his cap must know what he’s talking about. 

As I arrived home, my neighbor’s Rottweiler came bounding across my newly plowed field causing me to trip over a rake as I was running for the house.  I managed to get away, but also managed to co-mingle all the seeds as I was running.  But, what the heck, I thought, succotash is nothing but mixed vegetables, so it really didn’t matter what I planted, or where. 

Finally, I did get everything in the ground, even though I had no idea what I had planted, or where.  Then I remembered what the guy at the seed store had said about temperature, water and warmth.  I really didn’t expect my electric bill to be as high as it was just because I watered the lawn with hot water.  But, I guessed that to get something that was good for me…and help me lose weight - I would have to pay the price. 

There were a couple of things that I had not counted on, however.  One was the fact that I would have to keep weeds from growing.  Another was the appetite of such critters as birds, raccoons, and deer. 

So after the growing season was over, I did the math and calculated that my corn on the cob cost me a mere $8.11 per ear and tomatoes were in the range of $65.00 per pound.  I’m thinking next year I’ll find another diet.

© 2006 Joe Giorgianni


Joe Giorgianni is a newspaper columnist for the Venice Gondolier Sun in Florida.  His award-winning column is humorous and revolves around family vicissitudes and political oddities.  He has multiple publications in U.S. Architecture Magazine as well as transportation marketing magazines.  He professes an insatiable desire to write daily, and has a “yet to be published” novel, a compendium of columns awaiting publication, poetry, children’s fables, and multiple submissions of short stories.   Joe is also professional wedding and commercial photographer with twenty years of experience and holds a degree in Marketing/Public Relations.


* * * * *


More Funny Columns from Southern Humorists

Home Staff | Join Us | Dixie Dispatch | Links | Humor Shop

"We Cover the Country Like Kudzu"

Copyright 2008 Southern Humorists' Enterprises
Editor - Angela Gillaspie
- Editor - Sheila Moss  - Consulting Editor - Ben Baker
Dixie Dispatch - Angela Gillaspie - - Sheila Moss - Publicity Editor - Leeuna Foster