With gasoline prices at an all time high, it is certainly understandable why everyone is concerned about alternate fuels. It does seem, however, that every time a new source of fuel is discovered or suggested, at least one that is an alternate to petroleum based products, it is introduced to the world and promptly ends up either being put on the back burner, or rejected altogether. The latter usually occurs as a result of lobbying pressure. 

There is one source, however, that has proven not only to be an alternate fuel, but one that is inexpensive. Reliability may leave something to be desired as proven recently in West Virginia.

John Jenkins, also now known as “The man on the move”, was recently “TCB”, as Elvis used to say. Taking care of business, however in a portable toilet is not only acceptable, but quite normal. His problem, however, occurred when he threw a burning cigarette into the receptacle portion of the portable abode. At the time, Mr. Jenkins was unaware that in the vicinity of the portable potty, some underground piping had recently sprung a leak as a result of heavy equipment being used. 

Now, for the record, methane gas, which is colorless, odorless, and the principal component of natural gas, is highly explosive. It occurs naturally and can be a valuable source of energy for electric power which is used for heating and cooling for commercial facilities and residential homes. 

Originating from inert materials, such as coal and oil, it is harmless, unless, of course, mixed with a lit cigarette in a portable toilet. Which brings me back to Mr. Jenkins, the man on the throne. 

Mr. Jenkins, who maintains he was minding his own business on the day of the explosion, simply enjoying a quiet moment while having a smoke, might forever have a bowel problem. He said that he was not sure whether he was blown out of the portable structure or simply ran. I suspect the former reason for his quick exit, as running with one’s drawers at half-mast is extremely difficult. I tested this theory and would be willing to testify, should it be necessary. Requests for public demonstrations, however, will not be honored. 

It should be pointed out that methane gas is a product of nature and occurs in such places as coalmines, septic tanks, and bathrooms, especially during festive holidays when various legumes are served in copious amounts. In fact, “firedamp”, which is the gas produced in a coal mine as a result of decomposing coal and other inert matter, is often the cause of explosions in the mining business. Septic tanks, such as the one in my back yard, are the second most common places for methane to occur, as I recently found out. 

As anyone with a septic tank knows, it, the septic tank, has to be emptied occasionally. In my own instance, it had been several years since the last visit from the “Honey Wagon”, which is the name clearly printed on the side of the big truck used to haul the contents of my depository. 

After I finally found and removed the lid to the cavernous object, which, by the way lay beneath several inches of dirt and sod, I was not able to see the inside of the tank as it is very dark, as anyone who has looked inside a septic tank can tell you. Unable to find a working flashlight, as my usable batteries had been consumed during last year’s hurricanes, I thought that a match would suffice to show the contents within. This was not a very smart move on my part, as explained to me later by the man who removed me from a nearby tree. The good news, however, is that my bandages should be off by Christmas, and the septic was not as full as I had thought. 

So, I have great empathy for Mr. Jenkins, and some advice for anyone working in a coal mine, sitting on a portable toilet, or curious about the contents of a septic tank. DO NOT, under any circumstances, light a match. 

You just might discover an alternate fuel that offers more propulsion than you can handle.

© 2009 Joe Giorgianni