is as Stupid does
By Steve Darnell
3-½ year old son recently informed me that "stupid" is a naughty
word. I'm not sure who told him this but I have a good idea since he also
told me that if I said it again he would tell his mommy.
I wanted to find out why he thought stupid was such a naughty word.
"Justin, why do you think stupid is a..."
"Mommy, daddy said stupid!"
"But, I just want to know why you think stupid is."
"Mommy, he said it again!"
"Ok, ok, I'm sorry. I won't say stupid again."
Since setting me straight about using the dreaded "s-word", my son,
the stool pigeon, has been running around the house the last couple of weeks
yelling, "Mommy, daddy said stupid again. Daddy please tell me you
"Ok Justin, I'm sorry for saying stupid."
It seems I just can't stop using the word. I mean there are so many stupid
things in this world that I just can't help commenting on them. Every night I see stupid people doing
stupid things on the evening news.
I see stupid people eating worms on stupid reality shows on television.
Not to mention all the stupid drivers I put up with driving home from work every night.
There are so many stupid things going on around the world these days it is hard
to keep my mouth shut. But since it means so much to my son and I need to set a
good example, I will stop saying the word stupid.
Luckily, I write a column for this newspaper. Since I can't comment on
stupid things at home and since my son can't read, I guess I will just write
about them here.
Let's see, what are some of the stupid things I have bit my tongue and not commented on in the last few weeks?
Mad Cow Disease: Stupid. One mad cow and the media came close to
causing national and worldwide panic over eating beef raised in the United
States. By the way, the cow was from Canada. Did Peter Jennings
report that? I doubt it. He is a stupid Canadian.
Killer Flu: Stupid. The media started mass panic over a flu virus
that might or might not be fatal. Their horror stories, all in the name of ratings, caused a stampede of healthy
people getting flu shots, which in turned caused a shortage of the flu shots around the country. The
shortage only hurt the not-so-healthy people who really needed the shot but couldn't. My question
is this: what happened to this story? Did the killer flu die? Or is
the media just bored with the story? I haven't heard about it lately.
Howard Dean: Stupid. From comments about confederate flags on
southern pickup trucks, to a comment stating the capture of Saddam Hussein did
not make the country safer, Dr. Dean continues to say and do stupid things. His
temper tantrums during the Iowa caucus also did a lot to show his true stupid
colors. At least we probably don't need to worry about him in the November
Queer Eye for the Straight Guy: Stupid. I was forced to watch this
strange television show when my mother-in-law was in town last week. Maybe she thinks I need some help
dressing more fashionable. I'm not really sure. One thing I am sure
of though is the show is very stupid. It ranks right up there with the
Flying Nunn. Personally, I think a couple good old boys should teach the
"Fab 5" how to drink beer and wear flannel. That might make the
Wesley Clark: Stupid. The General evidently thinks he can guarantee
that there will be no more terrorist's attacks in America if he is elected president. He also seems
to have trouble making up his mind. One day he is testifying before Congress that he is for the war
in Iraq, later he is telling reporters that he is against the war in Iraq and has never been for the war.
One day he is a Reagan republican and the next day he is a Clinton democrat. Dr. Doolittle's two-headed
llama "Push-Me-Pull-You" had more sense of direction than Wesley Clark
has and would probably make a better president.
I'm glad I finally got these stupid remarks off my chest without upsetting
things at home. Now it is time sit next to my son, relax and watch some more stupid television.
"Mommy, he said stupid again."
Copyright 2004 Steve Darnell
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Funny Columns from Southern Humorists