Okay what have you Illinois people done to tick off Mother
Nature?
I’ve heard you say, “If you don’t like the weather stick
around and it will change.”
Hmmm, I’ll buy into that.
But Northern folks, how do you go from 60 degrees to 22 degrees in just three
hours? Oh and add a bit of sleet and snow to the mix. When I heard
the bizarre weather forecast, I really didn’t think anything of it, because my
rational was that it won’t stick or the conditions couldn’t get too bad
since we’d had the momentary heat wave....warmer grounds. Well, just
slap me blind, I WAS WRONG!!
Like a freak of nature, I was enjoying sunbathing weather as I ran errands
during my lunch break at work, then 3 hours later as I departed work, it looked
like the slopes were open for skiing!! Not to mention, my bones were ready
for breaking as I skidded across the parking lot in my flat bottomed warmer
weather shoes.
In advisory, I could live here till my wrinkles began to overlap and no freezing
way would I ever adapt to this weather?
Last year was our first winter here and I remember the lake out behind our house
freezing over! It totally amazed me that an ENTIRE body of water could
transform into a block of ice. No way is that natural, no way! Then,
if that wasn’t climate shocking enough, my husband and boys walked out across
it, some neighbors cleared an area for ice skating, and the scariest neighbor of
all.... ice fished. You are bobbing your heads like this is plausible.
Well trust me; it is a freak of barometric nature!
Now let’s add some birds, geese to be specific. Yea, they fly in from
Canada and hang out in the tundra as if it was a Tropical paradise where Pina
Colada worms are served up with little umbrella’s. In addition, the
flock of feathered crazies party like rock stars, quaking, honking and flapping
around till all hours of the night. I don’t get it! Why would any
creature that can fly without a license surmise ---‘we’ll stop here’.
Personally, I think all the honking and quacking is geese gripe for “who’s
great idea was this? Let’s vote the leader of the V formation off the
island.”
But no, these geese are SLOW learners, because this year they ALL CAME BACK!
Maybe when you have a bird brain you forget from season to season that Barry
Beakless doesn’t have a compass clue where warmer weather is. Hey, I can
understand. I have no sense of direction either, because I’m here
aren’t I?
Anyway, I tried yelling out to the gathered flock, “Hey if you go about
another six hours south you can Jacuzzi in warmer waters!” They acted
like they had no idea what I was saying. I then tried flapping my arms
really hard and fast. This got their attention momentarily; they peered in my
direction, but loss interest. Perhaps it was my inability to become air
born. Geez, it’s always about the minor details. Hey, at least I know
the difference between hot and artic!
Also, for the Fahrenheit record, you are NOT allowed to say things like, “this
is a mild winter.” Excuse me, when temperatures hover in
single digits, winds have chills below zero, snow falls, pick up trucks with
blades scrape your roads, and people wear coats, it is not mild by any stretch
of a Southerners imagination. Where I come from, coats are what we paint
on our houses, blades are in razors, ice is what you use to keep your cola
chilled, lakes are for fishing and aren’t cluttered with geese that have lost
their way, because they can’t remember what warmer weather looks like.
Furthermore, to a degree, you can relax about global warming. No way is
global warming happening in these parts. I’ve formed the opinion that
the ozone layer is sealed shut over Illinois. Therefore, when everything
warms up on the planet and starts to fry (as scientist are predicting), make
room in your backyards, because there is going to be a sudden surge in your per
capita population. Yep, the boarders are going to fill in REAL fast with
people looking for a cooler climate.
Lastly, I’ve stopped listening to weather forecasters. I discovered
meteorologist are people who get a college education to discover they don’t
know anything. In reality, how can a meteorologist go home at night and
say, “Honey, I had a productive day.” They predict rain and it shows
up a week later, partly cloudy, as opposed to really cloudy or the ever popular
clear skies (aka no clouds). I think two years into my career I’d run
out with my hands waving above my head as I screamed, “I give up. I don’t
have a clue how to predict the unpredictable!”
Uh yea, we’d agree with that.
But what I WON’T agree with is your prediction of a mild winter.
To put it mildly, what chilly wind did you blow in on?
Oh yea, let me guess, an Illinois one.
Copyright 2009 Tempa Daniels
