Okay what have you Illinois people done to tick off Mother Nature?

I’ve heard you say, “If you don’t like the weather stick around and it will change.”

Hmmm, I’ll buy into that.

But Northern folks, how do you go from 60 degrees to 22 degrees in just three hours? Oh and add a bit of sleet and snow to the mix. When I heard the bizarre weather forecast, I really didn’t think anything of it, because my rational was that it won’t stick or the conditions couldn’t get too bad since we’d had the momentary heat wave....warmer grounds. Well, just slap me blind, I WAS WRONG!!

Like a freak of nature, I was enjoying sunbathing weather as I ran errands during my lunch break at work, then 3 hours later as I departed work, it looked like the slopes were open for skiing!! Not to mention, my bones were ready for breaking as I skidded across the parking lot in my flat bottomed warmer weather shoes.

In advisory, I could live here till my wrinkles began to overlap and no freezing way would I ever adapt to this weather?

Last year was our first winter here and I remember the lake out behind our house freezing over! It totally amazed me that an ENTIRE body of water could transform into a block of ice. No way is that natural, no way! Then, if that wasn’t climate shocking enough, my husband and boys walked out across it, some neighbors cleared an area for ice skating, and the scariest neighbor of all.... ice fished. You are bobbing your heads like this is plausible.

Well trust me; it is a freak of barometric nature!

Now let’s add some birds, geese to be specific. Yea, they fly in from Canada and hang out in the tundra as if it was a Tropical paradise where Pina Colada worms are served up with little umbrella’s. In addition, the flock of feathered crazies party like rock stars, quaking, honking and flapping around till all hours of the night. I don’t get it! Why would any creature that can fly without a license surmise ---‘we’ll stop here’. Personally, I think all the honking and quacking is geese gripe for “who’s great idea was this? Let’s vote the leader of the V formation off the island.”

But no, these geese are SLOW learners, because this year they ALL CAME BACK! Maybe when you have a bird brain you forget from season to season that Barry Beakless doesn’t have a compass clue where warmer weather is. Hey, I can understand. I have no sense of direction either, because I’m here aren’t I?

Anyway, I tried yelling out to the gathered flock, “Hey if you go about another six hours south you can Jacuzzi in warmer waters!” They acted like they had no idea what I was saying. I then tried flapping my arms really hard and fast. This got their attention momentarily; they peered in my direction, but loss interest. Perhaps it was my inability to become air born. Geez, it’s always about the minor details. Hey, at least I know the difference between hot and artic!

Also, for the Fahrenheit record, you are NOT allowed to say things like, “this is a mild winter.” Excuse me, when temperatures hover in single digits, winds have chills below zero, snow falls, pick up trucks with blades scrape your roads, and people wear coats, it is not mild by any stretch of a Southerners imagination. Where I come from, coats are what we paint on our houses, blades are in razors, ice is what you use to keep your cola chilled, lakes are for fishing and aren’t cluttered with geese that have lost their way, because they can’t remember what warmer weather looks like.

Furthermore, to a degree, you can relax about global warming. No way is global warming happening in these parts. I’ve formed the opinion that the ozone layer is sealed shut over Illinois. Therefore, when everything warms up on the planet and starts to fry (as scientist are predicting), make room in your backyards, because there is going to be a sudden surge in your per capita population. Yep, the boarders are going to fill in REAL fast with people looking for a cooler climate.

Lastly, I’ve stopped listening to weather forecasters. I discovered meteorologist are people who get a college education to discover they don’t know anything. In reality, how can a meteorologist go home at night and say, “Honey, I had a productive day.” They predict rain and it shows up a week later, partly cloudy, as opposed to really cloudy or the ever popular clear skies (aka no clouds). I think two years into my career I’d run out with my hands waving above my head as I screamed, “I give up. I don’t have a clue how to predict the unpredictable!”

Uh yea, we’d agree with that.

But what I WON’T agree with is your prediction of a mild winter.

To put it mildly, what chilly wind did you blow in on?

Oh yea, let me guess, an Illinois one.

 

Copyright Tempa Daniels