Annual Rooster Contest
Given a stupid question to work with, what can professional
humorists come up with?
"For your birthday, your aunt gave you a
maple syrup dispenser shaped like a rooster. Please write her a thank-you
note." (from Blogger)
The Southern Humorists set out to find the answer. The question was presented
to our humor writers' discussion group as a contest. The winner of the
Rooster Pitcher Trophy and a Southern Humorist with something to crow about is a
danged Yankee - MIKE BAY! Humbly accepting the honor, Mike said,
"I actually won something based
on something I wrote? I will mark the
calendar for this one ;-) And thanks. Far as I'm concerned, all
kidding aside, the rooster pitcher is as much a trophy as a functionable
Here is his winning entry - and just for the heck of it, we
are including the runner ups as well.
Dear Aunt Beucowlick:
I am terribly sorry I didn't get back at.. to you sooner about the unique
birthday gift. I was beyond touched and momentarily nonplused, receiving
this urban reminder of my youth growing up in the breadbasket of the
Iowan Plains. You'll no doubt imagine how much more so I was, when I
discovered that not only was this fowlish dispenser designed for maple
syrup, it had other battery-operated features built into the stand.
But the best surprise came when I (mis)read the instruction manual, and
added in the C batteries that heat the mapley syrup to a confectionary
consistency, without realizing the other special touch incorporated
therein: it 'crowed' when one poured. At realistic decibels.
My sleepover girlfriend was not amused, when it 'crowed', I jumped, and
dispensed warm maple syrup all over her. And me. And the kitchen. And
the dining room, living room, etc (the ceiling fan was on; 'nuff said).
She is now suing me for 'irreparable damage' to her new (hair)doo, and
the untoward, unfortunate impression that I had 'kinky ulterior
breakfast motives'. All I wanted was my Eggo, but she's beyond reasoning
I can't thank you and your 'gift' enough.
Anyway, I hope to repay your generosity with the enclosed modified Salad
Shooter. Knowing your need for dietary fiber at your age, I fixed it up
with that rooster dispenser in mind.
Enjoy, and I've already warned the neighbors.
[Mike Bay - 9343]
Dearest Auntie Endall,
I received your thoughtful gift in the mail on my birthday. I
immediately put it to good use. However, I apologize for this late thank
You see Auntie Endall, I've been in the hospital in a diabetic coma. I
only recently recovered. The doctor told me a sudden sugar spike brought
on the coma. You know how you use to always tell me that blood is
thicker than water? Well, now my blood is thick as syrup too. It all
happened right after I marveled at your tasteful gift giving. In fact, I
told Buford that the pretty porcelain rooster was too fancy to set out
next to the liberty bell napkin holder. I announced instead, we had to
put it to good
use right away. This would make Grandma proud. I made a huge batch of
flapjacks. I then filled the little rooster with the homemade syrup
Grandma had made me shortly after my newly diagnosed diabetic condition.
I guess thoughtfulness must run in the family.
Anyway, you know Buford, he dug right in to those
flapjacks, but kept talking with his mouth full about my diabetic
condition and how I shouldn't be eating the syrup. I did not listen,
because I was in a barnyard trance. All I could do was marvel at how
easily syrup just spilled in a straight glistening line from that little yellow glass beak. I just poured and poured and poured.
The next thing I remember is Mamma's gum smacking in my
ear and her mumbled curses about the communistic no smoking signs all
over the hospital.
It's all okay now because I'm home again. However, I
have a bit of bad news. Buford said right before I went into that coma I
had a devil spasm. While the devil had me and I was thrashing about, I
broke the pretty little rooster.
I deeply apologize for not taking better care of such a
thoughtful farm friendly gift. Please forgive me.
But, I promise to do just as good for you on your birthday.
Hugs from your niece,
PS do you have a cow shaped tea pitcher
[Tempa Worsham 9336]