Just Another Trailer Park Parade
By Renee' Barnes
Well Donny really did it this time. I suppose he'll be in the hoosegow for quite a while now.
He was so proud to haul the lead float with his new Ford pickup. In fact he bragged for weeks that he'd be, "Bigger N Santa and Jesus himself ," when he could corner someone to listen. This had so offended Glenda Mae, his mother, that she swore she wouldn't attend the Christmas parade at all.
He didn't care. He was too happy to let "her" ruin it for him.
I guess it was nerves that helped him decide on a swig before the festivities began. I suppose it was force of habit that led him to chug a bit more, as he sat in the Piggly Wiggly parking lot, waiting for the signal to start his engine. I don't know if it was stupidity or inebriation that made him to do the rest.
It started out fine. He was beaming with delight as he drove down Main Street past Burger King.
Mayor Web and his wife, dressed as Santa & Mrs. Claus, waved to the crowd from the cherry picker of the town's new firetruck.
The high school football team rode by in an open trailer, pulled by a huge John Deer, driven by the owner of the local Feed & Farm Supply store.
The band, baton twirlers and cheer leaders all pranced proudly on foot, performing their individual routines.
VFW officials rode in Viet Nam Era army jeeps and threw candy to the children lining the street.
Silly little Shriner cars zig-zagged down the road, while the drivers mugged for the cameras.
The First Bank of Granite City President, "Piddly" Jenkins, drove his Beamer bringing up the rear.
The whole parade followed behind Donny and the Church of God's mobile version of the nativity, creatively arranged on the trailer he pulled, and convincingly played by the preacher and his wife, a baby doll and several of the church deacons.
Donny waved to the crowd and winked at the girls and nearly burst with pride until he reached the KFC. That's when Mary says she noticed that he "just didn't look right" and seemed to be urgently looking for something.
Then he began to speed up.
By the time they passed the Penny Save he was going about 35 miles and hour.
Standing out in front of the Kissin' Kousin, Norma Jean, clearly heard Preacher Brown's wife, Hilda, simultaneously praying in tongues, and cussing Donny, at the top of her lungs. She swears she also saw Hilda lob baby Jesus at Donny with as much power as an NFL quarterback.
As they reached Wal-Mart, Sheriff Jameson was hot on the trail with lights flashing and sirens blaring. Donny didn't slow down. He actually picked up speed and flew through town with the trailer and its passengers laying as flat as they could, holding on for dear life.
A mile or so down the road, Donny pulled into his mother's driveway and dashed into her mobile home.
Sheriff Jameson found him unarmed and cooperative in the bathroom, but called for backup anyway.
Glenda Mae had to be restrained. She is reported to have been beating Donny with a broken broom handle while screaming, "How many times have I told you to pee before you leave the house?"
The Trailer Park Queen
At an age where most are planning for retirement, Renee' has carelessly thrown all caution to the wind and stepped into the life of a humorist. Her life's ambition is for her alter ego, Trish, to be crowned Dear Abby for Trailer Trash. She spends her free time warming the couch beside her husband, watching TV, reading and coming up with more and more creative excuses to avoid housework.
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