Southern Humorists


    Reopening negotiations with the North - One Laugh at a time.

Down Home
Good Ol'  Staff
Y'all Come Join
Dixie Dispatch
Get Our Ezine
Humor Shop
Buy Our Books
Our Writers
Theresa Adams
Sherri Bailey
Ben Baker
Shag Baker
Lisa Barker
Renee' Barnes
Mama Kat
Melissa Baumann
Mike Bay
Neal Beard
GL Benton
Mark Berryman
John L. Brazell
Brenda Birmelin
John Brock
Mitch Chase
Carson Cockman
Maxwell Courson
Willis Craik
Kevin Crawford
Steve Darnell
David Decker
Cheryl Dendy
Judy Diamond
Doug Dickerson
Horace J. Digby
Susie Dunham
Irv Eisenberg
Carrie English
Diane Estill
Leeuna Foster
Lisa Friedman
Karin Fuller
Bill Fullerton
Angela Gillaspie
Joe Giorgianni
Cathy Gregor
Tom Hale
Chase Hart
Robert Haught
Ken Hill
Wayne Hunt
Edward Hurst
Neil O. Jones
Phil Jones
Stephen Kramer
Marti Lawrence
Monica M.
Barbara Madden
Alice Masci
Bill Melton
Sheila Moss
George Motz
Mark Motz
Tom O'Brien
Jason Offutt
Ed Owen
J.  Papandrew
Greg Podolski
Rick Rantamaki
Joyce Rapier
Cappy Rearick
Susan Reinhardt
G  Richardson
Elisa Ritter
Tisha Sharp
Dana Sieben
Julie W  Smith
James L. Snyder
Bev Sobkowich
Asa Sparks
Al Speegle
Leon Stewart
Ren Summerlin
BobLee Swagger
Brian  Thompson
David Wayne
Roy P Whittaker
S.D. Youngren
Jest fer Fun!
Possum Hunt
The Word "Girl"
Deer Hunting
Cut the Mustard
Snipe Hunting
Snake Handlin'
Rooster Contest
Redneck Car
Sneaky Snake
Boiled Peanuts 
Tipsy Chicken
Fried Jelly Beans
Marriage Advice
Super Dudes
Summer Fav's
Bacon Grease
Big Butts
Purty Peggy
Tub o' Lard
Dixie Dispatch
Dixie Dispatch
Redneck Lovin'
Diggin' in Dirt
All About Dixie
Critters Varmints
Gooder'n Grits
Southern Autumn
Scared Silly
Piggin' Out
Links & Stuff
Visit Our Sites
HOT HumorLinks
Link Swap
Favorite Toons
Chicken Writer
Say Howdy!
Email a Howdy
Our Policy

Dedicated to Marta Martin  

Tribute to AsA

  Updated 1-2-08




























Parenting Teens: Next Will Come A Plague of Locusts

© Lisa Barker

I brace myself behind the kitchen counter, the door opens and I defend myself with apples, peanut butter and pretzels. 

They mow through them like linebackers then retreat to their rooms where they unburden themselves of the three hundred pound backpacks they lug everywhere. 

I prepare for the second wave. Milk, cookies, and fruit are strategically placed on the table and are quickly devoured as they descend on them like voracious insatiable locusts. 

Thirty minutes later, I hear squabbling and toss out samples of a spice cake I baked earlier. This calms the hungry beasts for a few more minutes and then they start to howl, ďWhenís supper, Mom?Ē

 ďSoon!Ē I try to placate them. ďIf youíre done with your homework, go out and play.Ē Itís a strategic risk. Playing will only make them hungrier. 

My husband arrives with the wolves on his heels. I deal plates out on the table like a blackjack dealer. I barely get the food on the table before the beasts are drooling over their place settings. 

ďAmen.Ē And theyíre off! Firsts, then seconds, then, ďWhatís for dessert?Ē 

This will continue until snacking tapers off just before bed. But after eight hours of sleep, they will awaken and it will be as if they have never eaten. They prowl through the kitchen stalking yogurt cups, bananas and bagels. 

No, these arenít boys; these are my thirteen-year old twin daughters. They are growing so fast that their bodies and minds are just burning up fuel by the second. 

But this growth spurt is not just affecting my daughters; itís affecting me, too. As I watch my babies grow thereís a part of me that misses the little girls that they used to be. They eat for nourishment and I eat for consolation. 

The girls are spurting upward and growing taller by the second. Iím spurting horizontally and in a circular fashion. People have stopped asking me when the baby is due...because Iíve been carrying it for four years now. 

Note to self: Just because the kids are having a growth spurt, doesnít mean you are, too, woman. 

Isnít that the truth? 

They say stock your kitchen with healthy food and for the most part I have because I want the kids to make good choices. And I am doing that for myself...but four servings of something good for me is still three servings too many. 

Itís funny that I started my vocation as a mom eating for three and now Iím doing it again as I watch my babies grow into adults. But Iím calling this stage of parenting the plague of locusts.

© 2007 Lisa Barker

*   *   *   *   *

Jelly Momô is written by Lisa Barker, mother of five and author of "Just Because Your Kids Drive You Insane... Doesn't Mean You Are A Bad Parent!" and is syndicated through Martin-Ola Press/Parent To Parent.  To publish Jelly Mom, buy the book or leave comments, please visit Sign up for the complimentary Jelly Momô weekly newsletter and receive a BONUS GIFT! 




More Funny Columns from Southern Humorists